My wife comes home with a kit of lotions, a present from a friend. Each comes adorned with its own philosophy, because the lotion company is called philosophy. The “philosophy” of exfoliating foot cream reads as follows:

let’s review your only true assets, you own your values, your integrity, your thoughts, your words, your actions and therefore, your destiny. questions: are you proud of what you own? what is your true net worth to the world and the people around you? are you really rich or do you just have money?

Never in my life did I imagine exfoliating foot cream to be imbued with that kind of profundity. Never in my life could I imagine a bigger load of bullshit squeezed into such a thin little tube.